I read “The Courage to Be Disliked” because I wanted to know how to help my kids be happy. Time-tested philosophies on happiness are rare outside of religion, but Alfred Adler and Stoicism stand out as notable examples.
This book resonated with me because the young man’s questions mirrored my own. While the logic may not be as sound as scientific theories, it is self-consistent. The key takeaway aligns with the old saying: Change what you can, accept what you can’t, and be smart enough to know the difference.
Here’s how the book elaborates on this wisdom:
- Feelings and Change: Often, what we think we cannot change is influenced by our feelings.
- Self-Acceptance: Be truthful to yourself and accept who you are. Acceptance means not needing to care about others’ opinions of you.
- Tasks of Others: Other people’s tasks, including being disliked, are beyond our control.
- Value in Contribution: A sense of value should come from your contribution to the community.
- Encouragement over Praise: Encouragement is more powerful than praise. While praise can create dependency on external validation, encouragement fosters self-confidence and independence.
The most conflicting part for me was the idea of downplaying others’ judgments. This seems at odds with modern workplace theories, which emphasize seeking feedback. However, upon reflection, it’s about taking feedback objectively. It’s not about letting it affect our self-worth, but using it to refine our goals.
Practicing These Principles in Parenting
- Model Self-Acceptance: Show your children that it’s okay to be themselves and not be swayed by others’ opinions.
- Encourage Contribution: Teach your kids the joy and value of contributing to the community, whether it’s helping a neighbor or participating in school activities.
- Address Feelings: Help your children understand their feelings and how they might influence their perceptions of what they can or cannot change.
- Focus on Effort Over Approval: Encourage your kids for their effort and growth rather than seeking external validation. This fosters intrinsic motivation and resilience.
By incorporating these principles, we can guide our children towards a happier, more self-assured life.
Book link: https://amzn.to/3YGdLsq